Journal Entry #9

Why do I still wake up hoping this is a bad dream?

Lord I cry out to you everyday asking… begging you to heal my heart. I want to let go but I don’t know how. There is a soul tie so strong and I don’t know how to break it.

Why do I still love him? When I look back I feel like he never really loved me… not the way God calls a husband to anyway.

I remember that day its burned in my head. I should have known this was coming looking back on that day years ago. You looked right at me in such cold anger and said you would never choose me over gambling. I don’t remember anything else you said because in that moment the most devastating pain I ever felt; my mind went blank and a numbness over came my body. Through tears I begged you to love me… to choose me. You left me then so why am I still shocked you left me now?

I questioned my worth and I felt I had no-one. I never felt like a person deserving of anything since that day. How do you have such a power over me that I feel I am nothing without you? I hate that.

Lord please show me what I must do to have you answer my prayer.