Journal Entry #8

I’m slowly moving forward. Somedays just one step somedays more. Then there are still days like today. Today my sky is bleak with dark grey clouds. I loose my way when this familiar fog of depression rolls in.

I’m exhausted from wrestling to be whole and I feel sometimes I will never shake this bone deep loneliness.

Theres a question that carves out my heart “Why won’t you change my heart Lord?” I know you can. I muster up all my faith and try so hard Lord to move forward.

I miss him terribly. I just want to hold his hand.

I’m burnt out from doing this alone. Being a mom right now, well trying to be a mom and everything they need is stretching me as a person and reveals all my weaknesses and the condition of my heart.

I’m so emotionally drained that I snap and yell followed by endless tears of regret. Under my breath I whisper where are you God?

When I replay those moments in my head at the end of each day I am sobered by my words and the tone of my voice. Again I think where are you God? Save me from ruining them. I’m supposed to be their safe place and I’m failing them. My son is so angry. He hasn’t expressed an ounce of feeling yet except to yell that he hates me. Hearing that crushes my soul. Isn’t this mess of my life enough for this moment? Can’t being a mom be a little easier right now? I know I don’t deserve grace Lord but I need it. Where are you God?