Journal Entry #6

I see you there Lord reaching out your hand to help me. I want so bad to grab your hand but I can’t reach… I’m lost. I’m being pulled in so many directions.

“Get up your fine”

“people have it worse then you”

“He wasn’t that bad”

I don’t want to get up… this darkness overwhelms my soul. I wish they could feel what I feel so maybe they would understand. The words that have been said by the ones I love hurt so bad. Am I ungrateful Lord? They make me feel that way. I know you have blessed me abundantly and by appearance many people do have it worse than me. But that doesn’t mean that my heart and mind aren’t at the same point of despair as theirs … the darkness surrounds me and I don’t know how to break free. Depression is hard… this on top is even harder.

Nobody saw the emotional abuse I dealt with constantly – Maybe I didn’t even see it… I just slowly lost my identity. I didn’t share all the verbal abuse I dealt with because I didn’t want anyone to think anything less of him. I loved my family. I wanted it so bad… I didn’t care what he did in the past or now. I saw that sliver of good and I knew he was more then his circumstance.

I offered to carry his burden. I didn’t care that he lied and hid these massive things from me that had him facing serious legal charges. All I could think was we’ve been here before. I’ve stood by your side when any other wife would have left. Why is this different, why don’t you want me? I cried in despair that I would wait for him no matter how long he would be away. I cried because he’s been so very blessed and he doesn’t even see it. I cried because I didn’t understand why he kept doing these things, why would he ever put us in danger… “why” was a resounding word that echoed in my head.

I look at my kids and I don’t understand why they aren’t enough. They cry… they are hurting and I can barely help them because I’m drowning myself.

I don’t want to do this anymore… I don’t want to live. My heart hurts and it struggles to want to beat. There is a weight on my chest and I am paralyzed with fear.

Lord I want to come home so I can rest. I want to close my eyes one last time.