Journal Entry #14

I have learned so much this past year. There have been MANY days that were so filled with devastating pain I just didn’t want to go on. I felt more connected with dying than I did with living. Thankfully God (and some great friends) wouldn’t let me do that.

I’ve learned what AMAZING power and protection there is when you put your total trust in God. I look back at these journal entries and I see a theme of questions. God are you there? God do you see me? Yes he was and yes he did!

I constantly felt like I was just barely staying a float and you know what sometimes I still do. A great friend reminds me of the fact that I may feel that I can’t do it but I am indeed doing it! The truth is I’m only able to do it because of Gods faithfulness and great love for me.

In the moment I felt like God was so far from me and I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep asking to see him and to move in my life.

I feel so foolish now. He was there with me the whole time.

I remember one day; just 2 weeks after my husband left I was struggling to mow our 2 acres with a non self propelled push mower. It started to rain and I just stood there and sobbed, pleading with the Lord to help me. That night one of my children’s teacher’s came to our house unexpectedly with a check that many of the staff came together for without knowing our names or the complete details of our situation. THAT was God saying I will provide for you.

I worried… oh boy did I worry. I was a stay at home mom for 14 years and now suddenly I’m a single mom with no job and 4 kids relying solely on me. I worried how I would feed them and simply provide the basic needs. Soon after I was invited to a bible study. I didn’t want to go because well, I didn’t want to do anything. However, with great hesitation I went. The women there who didn’t even know me stepped up bringing us meals and supplies and rallying around me to help give my kids a great first Christmas as our new little family. THAT was God saying I care.

I prayed for years for a best friend… for any genuine friend. Through this dark valley I made the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. It was almost unbelievable really. THAT was God saying I hear your prayers.

There were times in my marriage where I feared for me and my children’s safety. Even after he left we had situations that brought the same fear. God didn’t answer my prayer to put my marriage back together but maybe, just maybe THAT was God saying I will always protect you.

Storms will come, lions will roar and God does allow difficult paths in life to refine us, strengthen us and draw us closer to him as he prepares us for our place of promise. Just as teachers prepare their students and the military prepare our soldiers – Our Heavenly Father prepares us – his children.

God never promised life would be easy but he does promise to always be with us. I can now look back and see that so clearly.

I have never been so in love with my creator then I am right now. It still amazes me that he took the worst time in my life and made it one of the best. I will spend the rest of my days giving him all the glory and pointing people to him so they can feel the same amazing love, grace, forgiveness and hope.