Feeling Stuck

It’s been almost 2 years since me and my childrens life drastically changed. Its crazy to even write that… 2 years?!

God has been so good to us. Yet here I am feeling stuck in a valley of life. Honestly though that’s life for everyone – hills and valleys.  It’s what we do in those valleys that matter.  Do we fear or do we have faith?  Do we worry or do we walk ahead?  Do we sink or do we sustain?

Sometimes, those valleys run deep. I’m looking all around me and I see darkness setting in. The enemy loves that. He does his best work of dragging us down and knocking us out when those dark clouds of life roll in.  Darkness is because we are allowing the enemy to cover our eyes.  If we can’t see we fear and when we fear the enemy flourishes.

I’ve had to take on new tasks to ensure my kids are taken care of. I’m gonna be totally transparent – I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to work during the day and then at night while my kids raise themselves.  I can only imagine my son running around like a wild animal because his sister is in charge and who is she to give orders, right?

I didn’t sign up for this I told God. I argued and questioned him on every side of the situation. “Hey God, didn’t you give me children so I can be present for them and raise them right?” By raise them right I’m referring to the definition in my own head as to how it should be… or how I think it should be.  I was forgetting to consider how God wants it to be.  I mean after all he already knows the beginning and the end and he promises he will work for good all situations for those who love him.  I love him but this didn’t seem good.  

I told him, I’m already tired and falling behind. Raising 4 kids 24/7 is no joke! How will I do this? How will I that? 

With confidence I can say God has blessed me abundantly and still does and I don’t deserve any of it. I know that, I see that everyday and I feel that. But as I stood in the shower releasing more tears then the shower released water I couldn’t help but whisper under my breath “God, can you just bless me with a swing and a miss for once?” “I can’t handle anymore punches”…

I spent the next day sulking…. still.

That night I laid in bed. Quiet because I already pleaded my case and had nothing left to say. In that moment, that still moment God reminded me it doesn’t matter how dark it gets if we just look up we will see his light. The light of people volunteering to hustle the kids around, making sure they’re fed and praying for my strength.  My strength to know that I don’t have to have an answer for all the why’s and to remember that He is the light that can and will lead us out of darkness if we allow him to.  

His name is the only one that matters and when we don’t know what to say or pray we can just boldly say Jesus.  He knows and he cares and he is waiting for us to lay our troubles down at his feet for he has already won our battles.  He reminded me that all these valleys are helping make me who I am meant to be.  He reminded me that I didn’t come this far to only come this far. Someday Jesus will look at my face and see HIS reflection… what a beautiful day that will be!