It would only have been natural for me to assume that anyone who reads this will think I’m irrational and unworthy. That what I feel will be ridiculed because I’m not important. I spent 17 years in a marriage that conditioned me to believe I was nothing and unlovable at best. Coincidently, it didn’t even matter if he believed anything he said; what mattered was that his lies and actions were manipulative enough that I believed him.
This is where I tell you that I had unshakable faith and that I knew all things would work out for good…. But I’d be lying.
I was no longer recognizable to myself. I would look in the mirror and all I saw was a broken and shattered shell of a woman who has lost every piece of her soul to his mental and verbal narcissistic abuse.
Even still I stood by his side to help him and care for him and our four beautiful children. Every once in a while he would give me a glimpse of who I knew he could be and I held on to that hope. I loved my family. He was my person. I spent our marriage feeling isolated and rejected despite my best effort and unconditional love. I took my marriage vows seriously so I was committed to forever no matter how much I lost myself.
Then one day it was gone. It was pulled out from underneath me. What only could have been the enemy who swept in and stole my forever.
Abandonment brought days darker than I ever thought possible. A deafening silence that surrounded me. How would I care for my beautiful and innocent children when I was fighting for my own heart to beat. I felt closer to dying then living and the pain rippled through my body until it reached the very core of me.
Thankfully my story isn’t just one of pain and rejection but a story of hope.
I remember that day… and that moment will be imprinted on my mind forever. I was sitting in church, more praying my own prayer then listening. But the words from Luke 50:8 caught my attention so profoundly. “Do not be afraid, trust me”. I looked up and it was as if no one else was in the room. Those words just penetrated my heart. On the way home I was filled with emotion and I couldn’t shake those words from my mind so I pulled my car over. I believe the tears that fell from my eyes were equivalent to the rain drops that beat down heavily on my windshield. I cried out to Jesus, “Ok Lord, ok.” “This hurts so very bad and I don’t like it but I trust you…. I will trust you.”
Instantly my tears halted and a peace came over me and my heart settled. I knew the measure of his goodness was far greater than my fears and worry. In that moment I felt Gods presence and power take over the situation.
The next two years weren’t easy. We had to move from our home and as a stay at home mom for 13 years I had no income; but we saw first-hand God care for us completely! He brought the most amazing women to come along side of us. Friendships I prayed for my entire life. They truly were the hands, the voice and the love of Jesus.
Jesus restored my faith and gave us hope. A new life, a new first love… He gave us him all over again. He opened my eyes to see the treasure we are to him. What flows from my heart now is an immeasurable, in comprehendible and brilliant love for my Savior, my king. A love so grand and powerful, it can move mountains!
I can truly say I’m thankful for this time in my life because to really be one with the heart of Jesus is to be loved, safe, forgiven and cared for. I have seen my children through overwhelming pain be planted deeply in Christ and their faith grow like a beautiful wild flower and nothing means more to me than that. I see what the love of Jesus can do. How its changes lives, gives hope and truly allows you to have joy and peace beyond understanding in the midst of hardship.
The Lord took our ashes from the most devastating time in our lives and turned it into something beautiful. Through our ministry for teens and young adults I will spend the rest of my life telling of Jesus’s lifesaving love! I desire to build young leaders for the kingdom of God because only there will we truly understand and experience the goodness of life.
If you feel inclined to spread this love by wearing one of our hoodies or tees – 10% of all profits will go to organizations helping to build new pathways free from any kind of domestic abuse. I hold close to my heart to help empower women, children and families to rebuild their lives and heal from abuse and the devastating trauma it causes.
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